Saying “I’m sorry” by Amanda Quesnell

Children aren't always sorry for the things we think are worth an apology.  And even when they are, many have a hard time saying it.  Some children may actually blurt out "I'm sorry" too easily, and consider it a quick way to get back to play.  When a child knows how to say s/he's sorry and actually mean it, s/he gains more than a social skill.  S/he also learns how to undo his or her mistakes, take responsibility for his or her actions, and consider others' feelings.  In my time working with children I have learned that some will say “I’m sorry,” all on their own, while other children will do anything to make sure they never have to utter those words.  Just because a child doesn’t say “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean they are mean, or have bad manners; they just yet haven’t learned yet how to take others’ perspectives.  For example, three-year-olds may not be able to respond to another child's feelings if they don't share the same feelings and perspective on a situation.  While building a tower with blocks, Ingrid yells loudly, "Hey! You knocked over my tower!"  When questioned by the teacher, three-year-old Leah, oblivious to Ingrid's feelings of frustration, says, "Oh, I was just taking a little walk.” Because Leah didn't see herself as destructive, it is difficult for her to be empathtic toward Ingrid and her situation.  Instead of telling Leah to say sorry, children first need to learn why it is important to say, “I’m sorry”.   Many children at the ages 3-5 aren’t yet able to put themselves in another’s shoes. The adult can help show Leah how she knocked over Ingrid’s tower which made her sad.  If the child doesn’t want to say “I’m sorry,” sometimes it helps them if a parent or teacher goes over to say it with the child.  This helps the child learn to say, “I’m sorry” because it is modeling for them how we apologize.  It’s also easier for the child because it may be their first time having to say they are sorry.  They might be nervous about it, but with someone to help them the first time it makes it easier for the child to say all on their own the next time the situation arises. 

It’s not the end of the world if a child refuses to say, “I’m sorry.”  It might take the child some time to learn, but it should not be forced on them if they child is not ready.  Once a child can understand the emotions that someone else feels, they will develop empathy towards others.

What do children learn from unstructured play? By Tamara Treviranus

At LifeWays, we feel that it is best for young children to have a home like environment (as opposed to an academic setting), and for the children to be able to experience plenty of unstructured play time, with a  significant portion of that time spent in a natural outdoor environment.   We know that early academics are not the best use of a young child’s time and that now is the time in their development to focus on relationships, learning about how the world works, and playing.  Through some recent continued education reading, I have gained a better understanding of not only what unstructured and outdoor play are not ( ie early academics), but what developmental qualities they allow a young child to acquire.  Not only is this type of play very joyful for the kids and you can really see them thrive, it also gives them the opportunity to develop executive function skills, one of them being self regulation. 

Executive function has a number of elements. It includes using problem solving strategies, and performing tasks to carry out decisions.  I have noticed that when children play very elaborate games, the majority of the time is spent in the set up or planning of how the game will go, what they will use, etc.  That time spent playing freely is an exercise in executive function. Have you ever noticed your children talking to themselves while they are playing?  This is called private speech and it helps the children with their self regulation.  I have noticed children correcting the behavior of a pretend person or even playing the role of someone else correcting them during private speech.  When children have these skills it is a good predictor of success later in life. Self regulation is one the most important components of executive function — the ability for kids to control their emotions and behavior, resist impulses, and have self discipline. 

Opportunities for free play are undoubtedly diminishing.  Parents are pressured to provide as many structured opportunities as possible ( ballet class, soccer, swim lessons, trips to museums). Children watch much more TV and play video games now than in the past.  And while children are in a traditional preschool or kindergarten setting, there is very little time for free play as they are moved through structured activities, sometimes as frequently as every 15 minutes.   All of these factors combined create a situation where it is possible that a child has never been given the opportunity to really develop self regulation skills.  Everything is planned for them.  Everything has a time limit.  They have not had the opportunity to make decisions around play or in what fashion they are going to interact with their peers. .  They grow into a situation where adults responsible for their care and for teaching them are pressured to entertain them and focus on discipline issues in part caused by poor self regulation abilities.

I am thankful that there is a place such as LifeWays for children to be given the opportunity to develop these essential life skills.

Developing a Lasting Sense of Wonder With Children by Emily Hall

"I wanted not so much to watch Hannah's garden grow as to watch her watch it grow."-Michael P.  Branch

                There is a patch of chamomile growing near a place that the children love to call The Troll Bridge. The first year I taught Forest Kindergarten, the children and I pulled up the grass and planted the little seeds beneath the soil in May, then watched the chamomile sprout and grow around an anthill nearby. The crumbs from our snack were harvested by the busy ants as they fell to the ground. I've watched the chamomile grow taller as the children play around me. It's fun to tell the story of the little patch of chamomile and pour a little bit from our water bottles on the garden when there are weeks without rain.  Wonder comes naturally to the children, but it does not always come naturally to adults as we get caught up in the hard work involved in raising young ones. Simple gardens and sharing the work together helps build a  sense of wonder and mystery for the adult, a place for adult and child to share the sensory experience of digging, watering, and observing, putting the garden to sleep with leaves in the fall, then watching Grandmother Winter cover it in snow. Each Winter, I love to tell a story about Grandmother Winter sitting in the clouds with her knitting needles, knitting blankets of snow for the earth. The child does not have to develop a sense of wonder, but his focused attention on a story becomes stronger when the adult values and shares his awe.

                Forest Fridays in the Woodland Room are a fun day to go and visit the fallen trees that the children and I call Troll Homes. The story goes that a young boy once pointed at a fallen tree with its exposed roots and rocks and said "Miss Emily, a troll lives there!" The word troll itself comes from Lapland, and means something from the otherworld. A sense of shared beauty and mystery can be built by imagining the mythical creatures that might dwell in our favorite places in the woods. Watching silent as children watch the forest and discover it in their own way keeps stress from building up and shutting off the  grown-up's  sense of delight. Snowy troll homes where ice stalagtites and stalagmites grow from the roots of the tree are what I'm hoping for this winter. Last winter the river mermaids made little ice chandeliers to dangle over the riverbank and we had great fun telling stories about them. I hope to hear about the stories you share about nature as families at parent teacher conferences. Happy Winter from Forest Kindergarten and the Woodland Suite!

What do Children Really Need? By Jaimmie Stugard

            When I was pregnant with my first child, my mailbox swelled with unsolicited parenting magazines, ads and baby life insurance offers.  Just open your pocketbook, the ads implied, and you can procure all the items your unborn baby needs to get ahead in the word she hasn't even seen yet.  You can teach her to read, or better yet,  put her in front of the television and she'll morph into Einstein himself.  There are contraptions that claim to teach your baby to crawl, walk, grasp and roll-over.  And, many more that seek to provide parents with the ultimate sense of security.  The car seats that transform into strollers, chair and rockers assure that your baby will be safe as long as he is securely harnessed into his little, plastic cocoon.  Baby video monitors, kid leashes, toilet seat locks, wipes warmers, lullaby CD's, walkers, bouncers, vibrating chairs, swings and toys that “stimulate” your baby's mind with bright lights and loud “music” are marketed as necessities.  Parenting magazines offer checklists of must have items that expecting parents need to prepare for their new baby.  Yet, most of the recommendations are for luxurious clutter that offer little for the new family.     

            It seems to me that newborns really do not need much stuff.  Warmth, love, nourishment, a nurturing environment to explore are the essentials to foster healthy development.  Babies learn on their own and do not need corporate stimulation.  Experiential learning through their budding senses comes naturally.  It is what they were born to do.  Baby's own fingers and toes, mom's hair and dad's mustache are  the perfect toys for a little one discovering the world.  The leaves dancing in the treetops make a fine mobile.  The arms of a loving caregiver are the greatest carrier - the car seat belongs in the car.  A cozy spot on the floor or in the yard gives the baby plenty of freedom to move (a real necessity!) and watching parents work around the house or siblings play is much more interesting and stimulating than a disco-like baby gym.  The natural, unpolished, live and loving song that a mother shares with her child nurtures, comforts, enfolds and educates in a wholesome, tangible way that digital media could never match.  

            Watching our youngest, Mira, gain control of her body has been fascinating.  For some babies it is such a gradual unfolding that you just might miss it.  But, for Mira each development seemed like a momentous occasion, and no one was more aware and proud of her accomplishment than Mira herself.  After much striving, she gracefully sat up on her own using tufts of grass to aid her ascent.  Eventually, she crawled and pulled up to a stand with natural confidence and ease.  How would these experiences been different for her if she had been propped in a baby seat or stood up in a walker before she did it herself?  She has recently taken to walking along furniture or moving the furniture herself to travel throughout the house.  Would her eventual first steps be as meaningful if she had been tearing through the house is a saucer all along?  How do these devices impact the physical organism by artificially putting an infant in a position their limbs cannot yet themselves achieve?  Could she possibly still be so confident, determined and secure if she wasn't allowed to master her budding skills naturally and independently? 

            Of course my little ones, like most American kids, have plenty of stuff.  The pram, the sling, woolen caps and underclothes, are all luxuries that I enjoy.  Some of the “things” do make parenting and care-giving easier for me.  The pram, for example, is great for strolling through the neighborhood and seeing baby's face.  I love that the baby lies flat and is not contorted and restrained in an unnatural position for an extended period of time.  The pram also serves as a lovely portable, crib allowing the baby to sleep outdoors or be rolled into a quieter space as needed.  I love to put babies in the sling if they are fussy or just want to be held while I serve the older children their snack, or take a hike or go to the co-op.  And my own children are blessed with a bounty of lovely organic and hand-made toys.  But, I can't help but smile when our baby abandons her fancy, organic playthings in favor of magazines and junk mail. 

The Art of Language, By Jaimmie Stugard

The thought manifests as the word.

The word manifests as the deed.

The deed develops into habit.

And the habit hardens into character.

- Buddhist wisdom

It may be hard to imagine, but in my younger days, I was known for my blunt remarks and my crude sense of humor. I spoke my mind without censoring myself and the results were often amusing and sometimes embarrassing. Eventually, I began to realize that a hasty remark could be very damaging, while a carefully timed and placed word could have a profoundly positive impact. Later, when I began working with children, the art of language began to reveal itself to me.

There is a great focus on language and the development of speech in the LifeWays training. It was there that I learned that when one speaks, the vocal cords of the listener vibrate at the same frequency. This physiological imitation lays the foundation for infants' speech development. Since young children learn through imitation, LifeWays caregivers strive to be worthy of imitation in our speech, our gestures, even our thoughts.

LifeWays fosters language development through singing, storytelling, puppetry and nursery rhymes. Since children learn through repetition as well as imitation, I sing the same seasonal songs for months at a time and there are many songs and verses that we use every day of the year. While a few are just plain silly fun, many of them are more like our blessing - a reverent and practical expression of gratitude, joy, necessity, and life.

Earth who gives to us this food.

Sun who makes it ripe and good.

Sun above, and Earth below.

To you our loving thanks we show.

At nap, I tell a seasonal story *by heart.* I tell the same story, word for word, day after day, for weeks and weeks. Telling stories this way allows the children to live into the tale. The youngest children drink in the sounds and words as their language prepares to blossom. While the older, more experienced children illustrate the tale in their drowsy mind's eye.

It is during our stories and songs that I pay most careful attention to my speech. During common daily activities, it is easy to slip into a muddled Midwestern accent, or to lose awareness of the tone of my voice. At story time, I have opportunity to focus on enunciating and speaking in a pure, gentle tone. It still surprises me how difficult it is to pronounce each and every consonant and vowel properly (especially when reading certain Dr. Seuss tales).

The LifeWays training also introduced me to the practice of right speech. Right speech is an aspect of Buddhist meditative practice. "It is spoken at the right time. It is spoken in truth. It is spoken affectionately. It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken with a mind of good-will." Idle chatter and lies are to be avoided. In working with children, I include unnecessarily verbose instructions, lecturing and otherwise carrying on in the *idle chatter* category. Conversations with children can be very insightful and beneficial, particularly when I am listening more than speaking.

It is obvious that children imitate our speech patterns, our tone of voice and the quality of our language. I even have trouble telling my dad's voice from my brother's on the telephone. And there are plenty of times that parent's inquire about the Miss Jaimmie-isms in their child's vocabulary. (Yes, I do ask them not to dash indoors and I help them when their sleeves are confuffled). While few of us have perfected right speech, we can continue to strive. And that striving is, in itself, worth imitating.