From Tough Love to
Helicopter Parenting: Child Rearing Practices and Self -Esteem
by Miss
Jaimmie
Many of today’s parents remember growing up when “Tough
Love” parenting was the norm. As
infants, we learned to cry it out fresh from the womb. Older children were told to stop crying
before we were given something to cry about.
If we got hurt, we learned to rub some dirt in it and walk it off. It is no wonder that the pendulum has swung
the other way and today’s young children are often burdened with too many
choices, too much empty praise and more talk about feelings than they can
possibly understand. From Tough Love to
Attachment Parenting, from Helicopter Parenting to Free-Range Parenting, our
pendulous parenting approaches are a product of our evolving human culture and
rapidly-changing society. As adults
process how their own upbringing has shaped their identity, a significant
amount of attention has been paid to child-rearing practices and self-esteem
over the last few decades.
When considering self-esteem, it is essential to contemplate
the child's emerging sense of self. A newborn is completely immersed in his
environment and gradually comes to the understanding of the concept of “other.”
Over time, he becomes increasingly aware of his ability to impact the world. He
learns that he can manipulate objects by swatting and eventually grasping. He
learns by his loved ones' response to his coos and cries that he can affect
another. What begins as observing a parent's response gradually develops into
deeper social understanding. A toddler continues to play this call and response
exercise to enhance his social skills. For example, when he hits another
person, there is a negative response (the other child cries, he is scolded, etc).
Each time a child "calls", he is seeking a predictable response to
teach him how to properly interact with his world. Therefore, we strive to be
both patient and consistent when helping our little ones develop socially. For
a child questions with action and finds his answer in reaction.
Children coming into the world find themselves through their
relationships with others and the world. Adults can support this discovery by creating
opportunities for children to interact with the world in a deep and meaningful
way. One way that children learn about
themselves is through imaginative play.
Hands on, experiential, play based learning allows the children to
engage in and interpret the world around them free from the confines of adult
instruction and intrusion. When children
role-play, as in a game of house, they are navigating complex social
interactions with their friends while processing their experiences in the “real
world” and discovering their place in the world.
Through exploring nature, digging in the dirt
and climbing trees, children come to a deep, physical and tangible sense who
they are in relationship to the natural world.
When children penetrate the world with a deed, they build a relationship
with it. And, when that deed has a concrete impact, as when children are
engaged in meaningful work, the children thrive as they see that they have made
an imprint on the world. This is most
apparent to me in the days and weeks following our annual Spring Festival and
Family Work Day. The children seem
especially calm, upright, centered and whole while they play in the sandbox
that they helped fill with their hard-working hands. The adults also feel refreshed and connected
after a day working alongside one another.
We are grateful to be reminded of our physical connection to the earth
through our labor of love. Even the
youngest children who are in their slings or playing in the sand while their
community works around them, benefit greatly from being in the presence of such
meaningful work and communion.
Finally, we can foster the healthy development of a sense of
self, by acknowledging through our words and actions that we honor their
individuality and their process of becoming. We can model appropriate behaviors
that are worthy of imitation, being an example of what it means to be human.
This does not mean that we need to be perfect human beings, but we can model
striving improve ourselves. We can demonstrate humility, acceptance,
forgiveness and respect in our interactions with children as well as adults.
When our work with children is nurturing, genuine, consistent and imbued with
warmth, they feel secure in their journey of self-discovery. They know that
they can make a mistake and correct their errors. They know that they are
supported in their developing understanding of what it means to be a member of
a community. We will guide their behavior and offer loving, consistent
boundaries to help them navigate their role in society while forming their own
identity. And, in the process, we will
shape our own sense of self and make a positive imprint on the world for
generations to come.
