Monday, September 17, 2018

From Tough Love to Helicopter Parenting: Child Rearing Practices and Self -Esteem by Jaimmie Stugard


From Tough Love to Helicopter Parenting: Child Rearing Practices and Self -Esteem 
by Miss Jaimmie

Many of today’s parents remember growing up when “Tough Love” parenting was the norm.  As infants, we learned to cry it out fresh from the womb.  Older children were told to stop crying before we were given something to cry about.  If we got hurt, we learned to rub some dirt in it and walk it off.  It is no wonder that the pendulum has swung the other way and today’s young children are often burdened with too many choices, too much empty praise and more talk about feelings than they can possibly understand.  From Tough Love to Attachment Parenting, from Helicopter Parenting to Free-Range Parenting, our pendulous parenting approaches are a product of our evolving human culture and rapidly-changing society.  As adults process how their own upbringing has shaped their identity, a significant amount of attention has been paid to child-rearing practices and self-esteem over the last few decades. 

When considering self-esteem, it is essential to contemplate the child's emerging sense of self. A newborn is completely immersed in his environment and gradually comes to the understanding of the concept of “other.” Over time, he becomes increasingly aware of his ability to impact the world. He learns that he can manipulate objects by swatting and eventually grasping. He learns by his loved ones' response to his coos and cries that he can affect another. What begins as observing a parent's response gradually develops into deeper social understanding. A toddler continues to play this call and response exercise to enhance his social skills. For example, when he hits another person, there is a negative response (the other child cries, he is scolded, etc). Each time a child "calls", he is seeking a predictable response to teach him how to properly interact with his world. Therefore, we strive to be both patient and consistent when helping our little ones develop socially. For a child questions with action and finds his answer in reaction.

Children coming into the world find themselves through their relationships with others and the world.  Adults can support this discovery by creating opportunities for children to interact with the world in a deep and meaningful way.  One way that children learn about themselves is through imaginative play.  Hands on, experiential, play based learning allows the children to engage in and interpret the world around them free from the confines of adult instruction and intrusion.  When children role-play, as in a game of house, they are navigating complex social interactions with their friends while processing their experiences in the “real world” and discovering their place in the world.  



Through exploring nature, digging in the dirt and climbing trees, children come to a deep, physical and tangible sense who they are in relationship to the natural world.  When children penetrate the world with a deed, they build a relationship with it. And, when that deed has a concrete impact, as when children are engaged in meaningful work, the children thrive as they see that they have made an imprint on the world.  This is most apparent to me in the days and weeks following our annual Spring Festival and Family Work Day.  The children seem especially calm, upright, centered and whole while they play in the sandbox that they helped fill with their hard-working hands.  The adults also feel refreshed and connected after a day working alongside one another.  We are grateful to be reminded of our physical connection to the earth through our labor of love.  Even the youngest children who are in their slings or playing in the sand while their community works around them, benefit greatly from being in the presence of such meaningful work and communion.

Finally, we can foster the healthy development of a sense of self, by acknowledging through our words and actions that we honor their individuality and their process of becoming. We can model appropriate behaviors that are worthy of imitation, being an example of what it means to be human. This does not mean that we need to be perfect human beings, but we can model striving improve ourselves. We can demonstrate humility, acceptance, forgiveness and respect in our interactions with children as well as adults. When our work with children is nurturing, genuine, consistent and imbued with warmth, they feel secure in their journey of self-discovery. They know that they can make a mistake and correct their errors. They know that they are supported in their developing understanding of what it means to be a member of a community. We will guide their behavior and offer loving, consistent boundaries to help them navigate their role in society while forming their own identity.  And, in the process, we will shape our own sense of self and make a positive imprint on the world for generations to come.




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