To Train or Not to Train – “When
and How” are the Questions
By Miss Belinda
“Learning to use the toilet is a process
that takes time. Rather than push or manipulate your child by giving him treats
or a special reward for something that he will learn to do on his own, trust
that he will learn when he is ready. Respect is based on trust.”
~ Magda Gerber (RIE –
Resources for Infant Educarers)
Potty
Training? Yes – we have a lot of that going on around here at LifeWays.
Anxious, unsure, confused on what do to or when to start? Yes. There’s so much
information “out there” about how and when to “potty train” that it can make
one’s head spin. Have well-meaning relatives and/or friends asking you if your
child is trained yet? Or, if the child is a bit “older” (and by older, I mean
around age two or 2-1/2, and definitely the closer you get to 3-years) telling
you that you need to get on it. Or making it their business to go ahead and
attempt to “train” your child without having a conversation with you first?
Yes
– We tend to make a habit of judging how other parents are raising their
children, even though we are all in the same boat and as you’ve discovered in
your parenting, there is no “one size fits all” when you are working with and
talking about human beings. Please know that we are here to support you and
your child in this journey (more on what that looks like later). Nancy Blanning
(a long time Waldorf early childhood educator and Co-Director of the Early
Childhood Training Program at Sunbridge College in NY) paints a picture for us
by asking,
What is the to-do list for a little child?
Her daily agenda is to grow and to develop control of her body, balance her
feelings, and gain general confidence in being able to live this life on earth.
There is a natural clock within each child’s being that sets the pace for this
to happen in an unstressed and gradual way, just as a flower slowly opens its
petals to bloom. And that pace is SLOW. The little child achieves competence and
confidence through unrushed, steady practice in everything he does. To do this,
he needs for time to be allowed to slow down and for adults to trust that his inner
to-do list will guide his steps in finding his way into practical life.
And
as Lisa Sunbury (Nurse, Early Childhood Professional, RIE Educator and has a
blog, Regarding Baby) states, “Like with sitting, standing, walking, and other accomplishments
that involve a baby’s mastery over his body movements, when it comes to
learning to use the toilet, the way loving adults can be most helpful is to
provide an optimal environment, and then wait patiently for the child to be
ready and indicate her desire and willingness to participate in the process.”
Now, for some reason, many caregivers and parents tend to fixate on the age of
2-years as the “right” time to begin toilet learning. However, there is no
uniform age when to begin the process, because the toilet learning process is
unique to each individual child. As a matter of fact, in the United States, the
average age of toilet learning for girls is now 3-years and for boys, it’s 3.5
years. Having the capability to stay dry through the night is now grouped into
a separate learning experience apart from daytime toilet learning.
What to Expect?
As
mentioned earlier, there is a wide range of normal. Some children may learn
earlier or later, but the average child will reliably use the potty during the
day somewhere between two and three years of age and will consistently stay dry
at night somewhere between two and a half to five years of age. (Take note. My
two children were well passed the average ages.) Also – some children may be
excited and willing to use the potty for a period of time and then decide, “You
know what...I’m no longer interested.” This is perfectly acceptable. The key
here is to try and meet your child’s disinterest with a calm, matter of fact,
“If you don’t want to/aren’t ready to use the potty, you may use a diaper. When
you’re ready to try the potty again, let me know.” Then let it be and trust
that your child will, indeed, let you know when they are ready to try again.
Please keep in mind that learning to use the toilet is a complex process and requires
much more of the child than just physically putting pee and poop into the potty.
As
child specialist, Magda Gerber, noted, there are three types of readiness
children need for toilet learning:
1.
Physical Readiness: The ability to control the muscles that hold in bladder and
bowel movements
2.
Cognitive Readiness: The ability to know when they need to eliminate urine and
feces and are fully aware of what they are supposed to do.
3.
Emotional Readiness: Children are ready to let go of a situation they are used
to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever
they feel like it), and also let go, literally, of these waste products, which
they perceive as belonging to them. “Emotional readiness usually comes last, is
the most fragile, and also the most powerful. Young children can be
particularly sensitive to a parent’s agenda. For some children, the subtlest
nudge toward the potty or being diaper-free can cause holding of urine or
feces, delay toilet learning for months or years, make them feel ashamed and
can lead to constipation.” ~ Janet Lansbury
Toilet
learning, along with eating and sleeping, is about who is in control, and in
these cases, it’s your child! Young children really do not have much control
over what goes on in their lives, so if they feel any type of pressure to
conform to a parent’s agenda surrounding eating, sleeping or toileting, this is
where they will draw their line in the sand. As Janet Lansbury (a RIE Early
Childhood Educator and author) notes:
Kids deserve to own this accomplishment. There
isn’t a long list of accomplishments young children can achieve. But they can
do this, so allow them to master this skill in their own time and in their own
way. There is no more powerful, confidence- building affirmation for young
children than “I can do it myself!”
So
– What might this process look like? Well, it begins at birth: “Parents lay the
groundwork for the child’s readiness when, beginning at birth, we make diaper
changes
an enjoyable,
cooperative time together, and respect the baby by slowing down and talking him
through each part of the process” ~ Janet Lansbury. Invite children to actively
participate in bathing, diaper changes, and other self-care routines from the
time they are born. We invite active participation by communicating each detail
respectfully: “I’m going to lift your bottom now so that I can wipe you. Can
you help me lift?” Be mindful not to transmit negative messages about body
parts or feces and urine (“stinky, dirty”, etc.), Janet Lansbury.
“If
you expect and accept that it will take time for your child to master this new
skill, it can go a long way towards helping your child to “go with the flow” ~
Lisa Sunbury. It takes planning to be prepared – Stock up on training pants,
plan on doing extra laundry, and make sure you have plenty of extra clothes in
your child’s drawer at LifeWays. Know where all the extra public restrooms in
town are; carry extra underwear, wipes, and a change of clothes with you at all
times. Anticipate and expect a few accidents. Model toilet use. Children
naturally want to do what their parents, older siblings and suite mates do.
Don’t
force or coax children to use the potty, but give clear behavior boundaries in
general so that children aren’t tempted to use toilet learning as a testing
ground. This sensitive and complex area of development needs to remain free and
clear of power struggles. Make a potty available. Some children like a small
potty that allows their feet to reach the floor. Others prefer a seat that fits
into the regular toilet seat. Remember to place a step stool in front of the potty
if/when needed. It can be a scary feeling for children to have their feet
dangling with no support on which to place them. Observe. Become a practiced
observer. When children seem to be signaling an urge to eliminate (by touching
their diapers, pressing their thighs together, etc.), ask matter-of-factly if
they would like to use the potty. Calmly accept “no” for an answer. Offer the
choice of diapers/pull-ups or underwear when you sense children might be ready
for toilet learning, always fully accepting their choice to stay in diapers. Trust,
trust, trust your child to know when he/she is ready.
Now,
what are LifeWays expectations in regard to toilet learning? As mentioned
above, we are here to support you and your child’s process in this journey.
What does that look like: Firstly – It is important to schedule a time to
discuss the process with your caregiver before beginning toilet learning so
that everyone is prepared to support the child. No surprises, i.e., a child
leaves the center on a Friday wearing diapers and then arrives on Monday
wearing underpants. “Wait...what? This is the first I’m hearing of this.” Before
beginning the process, it is also important that there be no other big changes happening
at home. For example, if a new baby has arrived, you are planning a move, your
child has just started childcare, you are preparing for a trip/vacation or have
just returned home from a trip/vacation. The advice I was given was not to
anything new 3-weeks before a planned vacation or 3-weeks returning home from a
vacation. Changes in the family or other stressors can make the process more
difficult and prolonged than it has to be. Know that while we are here to
support what’s happening at home, please understand that at first, the process
may look different between home and LifeWays. Children may be showing signs of
readiness and are comfortable using the potty at home, etc., but are not yet showing
enough signs of readiness and are not yet comfortable using the potty at
LifeWays. Thus, maintaining clear communication between home and LifeWays is
key.
We
will follow the child’s lead. If a child feels more comfortable wearing a
diaper/pull-up for a while at LifeWays, we will honor that request. We do not want to
add any undue pressure on the child and create power struggles where none need
to be made. After discussing your and your child’s toilet learning plans with
your caregiver, we request you work on the process consistently at home for one
week before we start the process at LifeWays. As mentioned previously, when the
child begins the process either at home or at LifeWays and has several
accidents within the first few days or week or if the process is already
underway and the child begins to resist (crying, saying no, becomes
disinterested or shows fear), we will immediately stop and calmly put the child
back in a diaper and wait for a few weeks or more before beginning the process
again. Summer can be a great time to begin the process because family schedules
may be more relaxed and children can run around naked or just in underwear at
home, which, helps them become very aware of their bodies.
Please
allow extra time upon arrival at the center to take your child to the bathroom
before releasing them to their caregiver. Also – Please do not ask them if they
want or need to use the potty. Simply say in a matter-of-fact way something
like, “Let’s go use the potty before we say “Hello” to Miss __________________. Remember – Don’t insist upon or cajole your
child to sit on the potty if it is not their idea. You may offer at natural
times, for example, when preparing for a bath, but if they say “No, “let it be
“No.” Allow them to practice in their own way. Some children like to sit on the
potty fully clothed for many months before ever taking off their diapers.
Dress for Success
Pants with elastic
waistbands that are easy for the children to pull up and down by themselves are
best for both girls and boys. No dresses to get in the way and try to hold up,
no buttons, snaps, belts, overalls, etc., all which can set up a child for
failure when needing to use the potty.
Signs of Readiness or
Emerging Readiness
- ·
The
child needs to be dry for long periods of time during the daytime such as two
to three hours.
- ·
The
child needs to be able to undress and dress (pulling up their pull-up or
underwear and pants) with minimal assistance.
- ·
The
child needs to be able to sit on the toilet quietly for moderate periods of
time such as five or ten minutes
- ·
The
child needs to show an interest in use of the potty- chair or toilet.
- ·
The
child needs to have a desire to please parents by participating in toilet
learning
- ·
The
child needs to notice or feel uncomfortable with wet or soiled diapers
- ·
The
child needs to have basic language skills necessary for understanding and
expressing the need to go. In other words, the child needs to articulate to the
caregiver that they need to go potty.
And
another reminder that if your child resists or begins resisting using the
toilet, or begins having frequent accidents at any point in the process, stop
immediately, breathe, and calmly put them back into their diaper. They may be
telling you to please put the brakes on, as they are not yet ready. If we do
not heed what they are trying to tell us with their behavior, it has then become
the parent’s/caregiver’s agenda and not the child’s....which, as mentioned, can
lead to power struggles and a prolonged process.
What
it all boils down to is, there is no “right” or “appropriate” age to begin the
toilet learning process. Look to your child. They will guide you. They will let
you know when they are ready if their environment is pressure free from adult
agendas and when it is their own idea. Any questions, concerns, etc., please
talk with your caregiver. We are all in this together.
