To Train or Not to Train – “When and How” are the Questions by Belinda Kenwood

To Train or Not to Train – “When and How” are the Questions

By Miss Belinda

“Learning to use the toilet is a process that takes time. Rather than push or manipulate your child by giving him treats or a special reward for something that he will learn to do on his own, trust that he will learn when he is ready. Respect is based on trust.”

~ Magda Gerber (RIE – Resources for Infant Educarers)

Potty Training? Yes – we have a lot of that going on around here at LifeWays. Anxious, unsure, confused on what do to or when to start? Yes. There’s so much information “out there” about how and when to “potty train” that it can make one’s head spin. Have well-meaning relatives and/or friends asking you if your child is trained yet? Or, if the child is a bit “older” (and by older, I mean around age two or 2-1/2, and definitely the closer you get to 3-years) telling you that you need to get on it. Or making it their business to go ahead and attempt to “train” your child without having a conversation with you first?

Yes – We tend to make a habit of judging how other parents are raising their children, even though we are all in the same boat and as you’ve discovered in your parenting, there is no “one size fits all” when you are working with and talking about human beings. Please know that we are here to support you and your child in this journey (more on what that looks like later). Nancy Blanning (a long time Waldorf early childhood educator and Co-Director of the Early Childhood Training Program at Sunbridge College in NY) paints a picture for us by asking,

What is the to-do list for a little child? Her daily agenda is to grow and to develop control of her body, balance her feelings, and gain general confidence in being able to live this life on earth. There is a natural clock within each child’s being that sets the pace for this to happen in an unstressed and gradual way, just as a flower slowly opens its petals to bloom. And that pace is SLOW. The little child achieves competence and confidence through unrushed, steady practice in everything he does. To do this, he needs for time to be allowed to slow down and for adults to trust that his inner to-do list will guide his steps in finding his way into practical life.

And as Lisa Sunbury (Nurse, Early Childhood Professional, RIE Educator and has a blog, Regarding Baby) states, “Like with sitting, standing, walking, and other accomplishments that involve a baby’s mastery over his body movements, when it comes to learning to use the toilet, the way loving adults can be most helpful is to provide an optimal environment, and then wait patiently for the child to be ready and indicate her desire and willingness to participate in the process.” Now, for some reason, many caregivers and parents tend to fixate on the age of 2-years as the “right” time to begin toilet learning. However, there is no uniform age when to begin the process, because the toilet learning process is unique to each individual child. As a matter of fact, in the United States, the average age of toilet learning for girls is now 3-years and for boys, it’s 3.5 years. Having the capability to stay dry through the night is now grouped into a separate learning experience apart from daytime toilet learning. 

What to Expect?

As mentioned earlier, there is a wide range of normal. Some children may learn earlier or later, but the average child will reliably use the potty during the day somewhere between two and three years of age and will consistently stay dry at night somewhere between two and a half to five years of age. (Take note. My two children were well passed the average ages.) Also – some children may be excited and willing to use the potty for a period of time and then decide, “You know what...I’m no longer interested.” This is perfectly acceptable. The key here is to try and meet your child’s disinterest with a calm, matter of fact, “If you don’t want to/aren’t ready to use the potty, you may use a diaper. When you’re ready to try the potty again, let me know.” Then let it be and trust that your child will, indeed, let you know when they are ready to try again. Please keep in mind that learning to use the toilet is a complex process and requires much more of the child than just physically putting pee and poop into the potty.

As child specialist, Magda Gerber, noted, there are three types of readiness children need for toilet learning:

1. Physical Readiness: The ability to control the muscles that hold in bladder and bowel movements

2. Cognitive Readiness: The ability to know when they need to eliminate urine and feces and are fully aware of what they are supposed to do.

3. Emotional Readiness: Children are ready to let go of a situation they are used to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever they feel like it), and also let go, literally, of these waste products, which they perceive as belonging to them. “Emotional readiness usually comes last, is the most fragile, and also the most powerful. Young children can be particularly sensitive to a parent’s agenda. For some children, the subtlest nudge toward the potty or being diaper-free can cause holding of urine or feces, delay toilet learning for months or years, make them feel ashamed and can lead to constipation.” ~ Janet Lansbury 

Toilet learning, along with eating and sleeping, is about who is in control, and in these cases, it’s your child! Young children really do not have much control over what goes on in their lives, so if they feel any type of pressure to conform to a parent’s agenda surrounding eating, sleeping or toileting, this is where they will draw their line in the sand. As Janet Lansbury (a RIE Early Childhood Educator and author) notes:

Kids deserve to own this accomplishment. There isn’t a long list of accomplishments young children can achieve. But they can do this, so allow them to master this skill in their own time and in their own way. There is no more powerful, confidence- building affirmation for young children than “I can do it myself!”

So – What might this process look like? Well, it begins at birth: “Parents lay the groundwork for the child’s readiness when, beginning at birth, we make diaper changes

an enjoyable, cooperative time together, and respect the baby by slowing down and talking him through each part of the process” ~ Janet Lansbury. Invite children to actively participate in bathing, diaper changes, and other self-care routines from the time they are born. We invite active participation by communicating each detail respectfully: “I’m going to lift your bottom now so that I can wipe you. Can you help me lift?” Be mindful not to transmit negative messages about body parts or feces and urine (“stinky, dirty”, etc.), Janet Lansbury.

“If you expect and accept that it will take time for your child to master this new skill, it can go a long way towards helping your child to “go with the flow” ~ Lisa Sunbury. It takes planning to be prepared – Stock up on training pants, plan on doing extra laundry, and make sure you have plenty of extra clothes in your child’s drawer at LifeWays. Know where all the extra public restrooms in town are; carry extra underwear, wipes, and a change of clothes with you at all times. Anticipate and expect a few accidents. Model toilet use. Children naturally want to do what their parents, older siblings and suite mates do.

Don’t force or coax children to use the potty, but give clear behavior boundaries in general so that children aren’t tempted to use toilet learning as a testing ground. This sensitive and complex area of development needs to remain free and clear of power struggles. Make a potty available. Some children like a small potty that allows their feet to reach the floor. Others prefer a seat that fits into the regular toilet seat. Remember to place a step stool in front of the potty if/when needed. It can be a scary feeling for children to have their feet dangling with no support on which to place them. Observe. Become a practiced observer. When children seem to be signaling an urge to eliminate (by touching their diapers, pressing their thighs together, etc.), ask matter-of-factly if they would like to use the potty. Calmly accept “no” for an answer. Offer the choice of diapers/pull-ups or underwear when you sense children might be ready for toilet learning, always fully accepting their choice to stay in diapers. Trust, trust, trust your child to know when he/she is ready.

Now, what are LifeWays expectations in regard to toilet learning? As mentioned above, we are here to support you and your child’s process in this journey. What does that look like: Firstly – It is important to schedule a time to discuss the process with your caregiver before beginning toilet learning so that everyone is prepared to support the child. No surprises, i.e., a child leaves the center on a Friday wearing diapers and then arrives on Monday wearing underpants. “Wait...what? This is the first I’m hearing of this.” Before beginning the process, it is also important that there be no other big changes happening at home. For example, if a new baby has arrived, you are planning a move, your child has just started childcare, you are preparing for a trip/vacation or have just returned home from a trip/vacation. The advice I was given was not to anything new 3-weeks before a planned vacation or 3-weeks returning home from a vacation. Changes in the family or other stressors can make the process more difficult and prolonged than it has to be. Know that while we are here to support what’s happening at home, please understand that at first, the process may look different between home and LifeWays. Children may be showing signs of readiness and are comfortable using the potty at home, etc., but are not yet showing enough signs of readiness and are not yet comfortable using the potty at LifeWays. Thus, maintaining clear communication between home and LifeWays is key.

We will follow the child’s lead. If a child feels more comfortable wearing a diaper/pull-up for a while at LifeWays, we will honor that request. We do not want to add any undue pressure on the child and create power struggles where none need to be made. After discussing your and your child’s toilet learning plans with your caregiver, we request you work on the process consistently at home for one week before we start the process at LifeWays. As mentioned previously, when the child begins the process either at home or at LifeWays and has several accidents within the first few days or week or if the process is already underway and the child begins to resist (crying, saying no, becomes disinterested or shows fear), we will immediately stop and calmly put the child back in a diaper and wait for a few weeks or more before beginning the process again. Summer can be a great time to begin the process because family schedules may be more relaxed and children can run around naked or just in underwear at home, which, helps them become very aware of their bodies.

Please allow extra time upon arrival at the center to take your child to the bathroom before releasing them to their caregiver. Also – Please do not ask them if they want or need to use the potty. Simply say in a matter-of-fact way something like, “Let’s go use the potty before we say “Hello” to Miss __________________.  Remember – Don’t insist upon or cajole your child to sit on the potty if it is not their idea. You may offer at natural times, for example, when preparing for a bath, but if they say “No, “let it be “No.” Allow them to practice in their own way. Some children like to sit on the potty fully clothed for many months before ever taking off their diapers.

Dress for Success

Pants with elastic waistbands that are easy for the children to pull up and down by themselves are best for both girls and boys. No dresses to get in the way and try to hold up, no buttons, snaps, belts, overalls, etc., all which can set up a child for failure when needing to use the potty.

Signs of Readiness or Emerging Readiness

• ·         The child needs to be dry for long periods of time during the daytime such as two to three hours.
• ·         The child needs to be able to undress and dress (pulling up their pull-up or underwear and pants) with minimal assistance.
• ·         The child needs to be able to sit on the toilet quietly for moderate periods of time such as five or ten minutes
• ·         The child needs to show an interest in use of the potty- chair or toilet.
• ·         The child needs to have a desire to please parents by participating in toilet learning
• ·         The child needs to notice or feel uncomfortable with wet or soiled diapers
• ·         The child needs to have basic language skills necessary for understanding and expressing the need to go. In other words, the child needs to articulate to the caregiver that they need to go potty.

And another reminder that if your child resists or begins resisting using the toilet, or begins having frequent accidents at any point in the process, stop immediately, breathe, and calmly put them back into their diaper. They may be telling you to please put the brakes on, as they are not yet ready. If we do not heed what they are trying to tell us with their behavior, it has then become the parent’s/caregiver’s agenda and not the child’s....which, as mentioned, can lead to power struggles and a prolonged process.

What it all boils down to is, there is no “right” or “appropriate” age to begin the toilet learning process. Look to your child. They will guide you. They will let you know when they are ready if their environment is pressure free from adult agendas and when it is their own idea. Any questions, concerns, etc., please talk with your caregiver. We are all in this together.